The Catch Up

In the madness and slog of this past week I had a little revelation. What if there is enough time? I’ve been fiercely devoted to the concepts of there is not enough time, time is running out, and the worst thing you can do is waste time for a large portion of my existence. It really hasn’t served me well (if I’m being honest) and it has contributed to a large reservoir of this one fear I’ve been hanging on to these last seven or eight years. If every second, if every moment matters it’s terrifying, immobilizing even, to attempt to live an authentic life when it feels like every choice is the wrong one. There’s no room to take a moment, there’s no inhale-exhale for let’s think about this a second, there’s only reactionary reactions. Instead of being able to sit with some feelings, to be able to admit yeah, I don’t know, it’s gotta make decisions fast even if they do not align with my morals or ethics or are the least bad options. It’s pulling back from people or social groups because if every interaction has to be quickly made, then it’s better to not interact at all so I don’t waste mine or someone else’s time.

This even scales up to climate anxiety-if most of what I see about it is it’s too late, we’re all doomed then it doesn’t allow for a future of maybe it isn’t all doomed because it takes time to imagine something else.

To think about a future, even a neutral one, means sitting and taking some time out to conceive of what it might be. It takes a trust in something outside of yourself almost.

Or at least my imaginary futures do. I can’t envision a future where it is just me and my nuclear family. If I’m imagining a future that isn’t a thousand percent reactionary doom, it has to have my friends, it has to have something for my kidlets friends as well, and it can’t be some kind of rugged individual future. There has be some kind of community and reciprocity for a future. This is where what if there’s enough time comes into play. What if everything isn’t just on us solely and we can exist together, what if we can make it so we have enough time to do most of what matters? What if we didn’t just have to run towards a capitalist death drive? What if community could help with the enough part?

Community is the part I’ve struggled with for the last 7 or 8 years. Everything sort of happened all together and it’s hard to maintain a presence in community when you’re (I’m) having a hard enough time be present in your (my) life. I’m not especially good at being vulnerable anymore in the way I used to be. For me this is a neutral thing, I’m not who I used to be anymore and that’s okay. Maybe this version of me who is trying to absorb this revelation about being enough (kenough) will be slightly more vulnerable than the stopped in time me. I am also less trusting of people, of myself than before which is shitty to say the least. But, if I believe, if I practice there is enough time than there will be time to heal from that. There will be time to learn new things, to practice old skills, and there will be enough time to be with you here in the Catch Up.

What I’ve Been Watching

This week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions for things I’ve watched. Dinosaur had such a great season 1 and I hope it gets renewed for season 2. One of the Castlevania’s showrunners low key implied that this is the last season of Nocturne we’re going to get, and it’s on the cancellation shortlist. Here’s some of what I saw this week.

The Electric State

If I did not want to fight the Russo brothers for what they’re going to do Dr. Doom and Captain America’s character assassination, I want to fight them for this. I love Simon Stålenhag’s art and I have a couple of his books. His entire retrofuture aesthetic is superb, I’ve always wanted to get an art print of his for years. I just did not expect fucking Crisp Rat, the Russo brothers, a slowed down version of Oasis’ Champagne Supernova in this fucking abomination of a trailer. There are so many Swedish bands (like Tid) who’s songs would have matched the feel of The Electric State better. Or maybe, I don’t know, this isn’t The Electric State I recognize.

Do Not Feed The Pigeon

This is a weird stop animation that was really neat. I kind of miss bus stations now that I think about it. I wish it was feasible for more weird little animated stories to be made, especially stop animation.

Not Losing You

This is a sweet little PSA about a redneck Dad and his daughter. There has been so much unrelenting shitty anti-trans news all year, it’s nice to see a positive parental reaction to their child’s transness. This is something I’ve struggled with since becoming a parent, is how many parents act like their child is dead when they either subvert or exceed gender/sexuality expectations. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a lot of parental figure death or I’ve cut out one of my parents for their shitty bigotry but I don’t understand not even trying to make an effort to help your kid survive.

What I’ve Been Reading

Who Walks With You

She’s spent her whole life wanting to be alone without learning the basic lesson about what happens when you are alone. For decades people have embroidered their clothes with bits of metal and decorative wire both because it looks neat and so that if you’re buried, someone can use a pinfinder to locate you. It’s why there were nails driven into the concrete sidewalks of old, fixed cities: an unmoving point of metal, a surveyor’s mark. The old cities couldn’t move away from their dangers.

Over at Grist, Premee Mohamed’s Who Walks With You explores climate speculative fiction, weather, and community. I really enjoy how Premee writes speculative fiction because of her science background, so there’s always that little bit that feels slightly more authentic in world building. Or not authentic but richer in the worlds she writes that differs from writers with a more generalized background. This one even has a fancy roomba in it.

Feedback for Glenn Danzig, The New Guy in our Writing Workshop

“She walked out with empty arms. Machine gun in her hand. She is good, and she is bad. No one understands”

I appreciate that you’re trying to tackle the essential duality of human nature here, along with the existential crisis perpetuated by our inability to ever truly perceive the interior mental states of those around us, but how can her arms be empty if she’s got a machine gun in her hand? I don’t get it.

Over at McSweeney’s Elizabeth Friend wrote the hilarious Feedback for Glenn Danzig, The New Guy in Our Writing Workshop, and it delights both high school and late 30s me. When I didn’t date boys who desperately tried to get me to like Rush (I would rather staple my hand webbing) or Metallica (I would rather eat pennies), I was pretty into the Misfits and or Glenn Danzig covers by bands who could be considered ‘gothy’ in high school. A lot of his lyrics left much to be desired, if you know what I mean. As late thirties me, in a grad program that has writing stuff I can absolutely see someone like him contributing like this (I say gently/jokingly). This made me laugh the day I had a headache and felt like I was going to fall into the void.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum: Writing in Solitude

As the years continued on, and the solitude continued, I found that my writing continued but more slowly. With no one to share my finished product with in-person, and no one for me to hear out loud say whether my work was good or not, to see their face as they spoke to me, telling me what my piece needed, or didn’t need? Writing faltered. My self-worth as a writer faltered.

My last what I’ve been reading this week Jordan Kurella’s Nature Abhors a Vacuum: Writing in Solitude feels like it dovetails nicely into this week’s theme. I kind of agree with his piece, writing alone sucks and it makes me all the worse critic to my writing if I don’t let it sit. There’s also the other side of his piece where validation is beautiful -it’s like sunshine in January, and warm rain in June- especially when people say they like your writing and you can see it in their body.

Small Mammal Update

The forever graceful, benevolent, demure,mindful Empress Yaga Stirfry’s dental sutures have been dissolving. As a response, the ever mindful and benevolent Empress has taken to yelling very loudly to let us know she is itchy and inconvenienced and that we should be feeling similar owing to us being her citizens.

Before this occurred I never thought about how ridiculous or illogical it would be in a zombie movie (or book or comic) for a toothless old lady to turn and gum someone hard enough to turn. But thanks to Yaga’s efforts I no longer have to wonder. Those zombies would take so long to eat someone. I hope it would be mercy killing in either case, in a zombie apocalypse. For me the person with teeth (probably) or the older person desperately trying to eat me with no teeth but a lot of rage.

Anyways, this was your small mammal update.

I hope you have not been gummed by a dentally challenged cat lately.

What I’ve Been Working On

I started a revision to something I finished writing a couple years ago. I’ve been thumbnailing it too, which is an exercise in control. Writers are all about actions-everything always has some kind of -ing verb and a costume change but in comics it’s like no, we gotta take this slowly and break it down. Let the beats, let the idea of what was just revealed sit for a moment or two. Dream small and clearly. Well no. You can still dream big and swing for the fences but you must be clear about what is happening.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with this more. Maybe I’ll add some creative nonfiction every other time, could that be something interesting to do? Would that be neat or something like writing about bands or books more than I currently do be neat?

I think it might be.