The Unspecified Grocery Store List: Cheese Section
HYPE ADJECTIVES: WERE-CREATURE POLYCULE | ROMANTASY |SOME TUMBLR GIRLS GROW UP TO BE THE TOKEN HUMAN IN A PARANORMAL POLYCULE |TO BE ADORED BY A CHEESE PLATE
Basics: Why Cheese by Ellen Mint. It can be found on Kindle or as a print on demand book. It is 324 pages.
This novel wasn’t what I expected at all.
I think by now everyone has seen some variant of the subreddit r/menwritingwomen, or infamous screenshots of some terrible writing in romance or fantasy novels shared across Tumblr, Insta, or BlueSky. Sometimes it’s a car crash of the English language you (or I) can’t help but to laugh at. Occasionally, it’s a tilted head, eyebrows permanently arched with a why or how expression broadcast across all unspoken frequencies of what the fuck. I thought Why Cheese by Ellen Mint would follow the same sort of premise: bad prose, poor characterization, the buy in plot would be unbelievable, and there would be some unfathomably bad sexual encounters in which no one gets off.
A rather cynical, if not mean approach to reading a novel in a genre I don’t generally read. There wasn’t any real reason for my own literary douchebaggery or asshole-ishness here. I mean I do read a lot of literary fiction (a different yikes and cacophony of red flags) and I don't think people should judge me for that (but maybe you should). If anything, I should have been more on the side of a romantasy sticking it to the too serious readers/writers. Instead of assuming the absolute literal worst.
Luckily, I was wrong.
They appeared out of nowhere. Wear strange, old-fashioned clothes. Have weird names. And they haven't aged in half a century.
There's only one answer.
"You're ghosts!" I shriek and turn for the ladder. They reach to stop me, but my flailing thumb hits my camera button. A great flash of light stuns them and they stagger back. Running on panic, I skitter up the ladder and out of the cellar (18).
The premise of Why Cheese is as follows: our point of view character Violette inherits a cheese shop from her estranged Uncle (tragic and probably vaguely overwhelming1) harbouring a secret. The secret?- Four werecheese men hiding in the basement forgotten until Violette released them from stasis. The rest of the novel follows Violette working out her relationships with the werecheese men, herself, her mother, and ultimately the cheese shop. It’s a mostly fun romp, and it made for a good escapist read during the beginning of January when the horrors were just ramping up. The writing is fun if a bit punny. Mint knows the genre and writes well enough that the buy in for a paranormal romance seems normal. For being a 300+ page book, it doesn’t feel like it. This is important for an escapist read because if I’m reading something for fun, I don’t want it to feel like homework or for it to drag on. The climax hits emotionally and the epilogue delivers on an unspoken promise: how would a were-cheeseman orgy operate?
Something that might be a deal breaker for some people is the first person perspective with Violette as our vehicle in the Why Cheese universe. As a late thirties millennial I found Violette feels like she’s in her twenties. She has an effervescent Tumblr energy, and hasn’t quite worked out cutting out family members or standing her ground against overbearing men yet. I didn’t find her to be annoying, but I do understand how others might due to the mannerisms given to her. The other potential deal breaker is a two-parter: non compulsory heterosexuality on a long enough timeline, and the focus on heterosexual sex because Violette is our point of view character. I actually really enjoyed that Mint made the were-cheeseman queer because I think if you’re functionally immortal, heterosexuality seems like a cop out. If you’re biphobic/queerphobic, first off what are you doing here, second off please do some work on yourself. If these aren’t deal breakers for you, then I’d love to write (yell) some more about Why Cheese.
Cheese shapeshifters or were-cheeses are a novel concept, especially since the curse is transmitted by consuming cheese not meant for you. So it’s not a humanoid wheel of cheese with fangs randomly biting or scratching people as a point of infection. Just as a heads up if that’s how you thought the curse might transmitted.
I’m getting a little ahead of myself here. Our four were-cheese/cheese shapeshifters are: Roquefort the stoic leader and emotionally unavailable man, Camembert second in command and ex-highwayman, Sir Cheddar an unlucky himbo knight, and Brie the quiet painter with a monster cock. These were not their original names Mint clarifies later in the book but their types of cheese. Maybe as a result of casual immortality and the curse, they can’t remember who they used to be exactly but they can remember some parts. Or at the very least, I guess someone has told them what cheese they turn into. Which seems kinda weird now that I think about. Though, it’s no more weird than how different characters are named in Dimension 20’s A Court of Candy/The Ravening War, I guess.
Also similar to legal names, they only refer to each other with full names during emotional events. Mostly in the book, nicknames are used. One of the cooler things nicknames do is show readers relationships between characters. Violette as our avatar notices right away the unspoken ex energy of Camembert and Roquefort, who to the others are mostly Cam or Roq but to each other are Bear and For. That set of pet names operates not only as immense insight into their relationship, but also gives readers a veritable gnawing at the bars of my enclosure vibe. Their breakup/intense ex energy flavours how either character moves through this fictional world and their relationships with the other characters. Writing human romantic relationships that feel natural is already hard, writing exes who have to remain friends due to circumstances surrounding a curse is next level hard. I really enjoyed how Mint didn’t explain whatever Cam and Roq were (are) to each other because you don’t have to know everything in a fictional novel. That’s not how storytelling works.
"Camembert." He stretches the word out like a parent using the dreaded middle name.
"Why? Are we being secretive again, Roquefort?" (149)
However, with this specific pairing as well as Cheddy and Brie’s, Why Cheese does show it is a book predominantly written for women. I am glad for the casual bisexuality of the were-cheese men, I’m glad they are written in a way in which their masculinity is not questioned or they’re ever lesser for engaging in sexual acts with each other. I’m thrilled that Cam seems to lean more into male pairings. I can still notice how their sex scenes are written specifically with the female gaze in mind. It is not overly fetishistic but it is reminiscent/referential to a lot of AO3 m/m pairings written by women for women. This is also a romantasy, so there’s a fantasy element to how bodies and positions work. For all of my quibbles about representation and reality, Mint does write her characters to be game, to be informed, and consensual in regards to sex. There’s a playfulness during the acts that contributes to an authenticity that isn’t required for this genre or subject but is welcome. Sex should be funny, especially if you're a Tumblr girl finally coming into your own with the adoration of a cheese drawer's worth of men.
Speaking of authenticity (or earnestness I suppose), the people and world of Why Cheese are fleshed out in the most mundane ingenious ways. Is Violette just geographically challenged like many Americans or is her lack of worldly knowledge because she grew up in an environment heavily coded as evangelical cult? Her reaction when faced with Cam’s accent and origins is vaguely European? In a different way, it’s deeply hilarious one of the were-cheeses is lactose intolerant in spite of becoming literal cheese during the day. It happens to the best of us, lactose intolerance. Another mundane world building aspect is a background event of people freshly released from a bar wandering home after a night out, and stopping at the cheese shop windows to gaze in hungrily. This absolutely feels like something I might have done in my past2. Also, what greater hubris could a French man have than to be an immortal cheesemonger, cursed by unattainable cheese?
Head bent, tongue held, subservient, and happy is how mother's always wanted me. If I tried really hard then I could maker her proud, but I keep messing up which only invites her wrath. I should be grateful that she didn't say anything too outrageous to the guys, especially about them being half naked (221).
In this spectrum of authenticity, the things that are uncomfortable are also done well. Mainly in Why Cheese, Violette’s intrusive thoughts (and some rituals) as well as her relationship with her Mother generate conflict and movement while being able to show character growth. I applaud Mint’s talent in crafting Violette’s Mother in such a way to get under my skin, as she does Violette’s, and the WereCheese men. She is incredibly terrible. I don’t think what happened to her was enough. But I’m also a big fan of the Avenging Unicorn in fantasy settings3.
"What about Cam?"
"Who do you think I'd be watching for in that bar?" Roq says. "It is a wonder that man has survived this long."
"You care for him. Oh, shit." I slam my hand over my mouth like that will suck back in the words that were supposed to stay in my head (205).
The tension between Cam and Roq at times is also incredibly uncomfortable. At no point does the novel feel like it condones the quite clearly conflicted interactions between them. The ways in which they harm each other either through their words or by going too far in terms of physical interactions are done with an unspoken they wouldn’t actually go that because they’re not monsters. Exes, unlikely comrades in a weird cheese curse, men caught out of time, sure that’s who they are. Monsters aren’t offered (or work towards) redemption. See Violette's mother.
"I knew a knight though who had to pray four times facing the four directions. If he didn't, he said he'd be shot by an arrow. Before battles, he'd do it four or five times, always in sets of fours. 'Blessed Mary, protect me from...' And so on (181)"
To go back to the intrusive thoughts depiction, I think as someone who does have intrusive thoughts at times, they are done better than in other books. I enjoyed seeing the conflict between Violette knowing they’re not rooted in reality or truth and the struggle to resist them at times. Moreover the disappearance and re appearance of intrusive thoughts in relation to Violette’s emotional fortitude feels real. Maybe this might be an additional knock against this novel, however I don’t think it detracts from the narrative at all. It helps to ground, to make Violette a more real character.
For all that we’re asked to lean into the paranormal aspect at the heart of the story, the sheer normality of the world makes it work. There are pushy men, intrusive thoughts, and the most overbearing mother ever, but there’s also street parties that happen on the fly and starting over again after you’ve cut off that which harms you. Why Cheese is a fun romp at the edge of the monster fucking romantasy spectrum, and a welcome reprieve for when you need a break from the horrors.
Footnotes:
- 1: This is also seems like the only way Millennials can access home ownership now, inheriting haunted places of our relatives.
- 2: It was a Lush store I stared into after the bar, and wondered about how much soap I could have eaten.
- 3: The Avenging Unicorn is of course based off this toy set at Archie McPhee “The Avenging Unicorn is the answer to all your dreams. Who wouldn't want an imaginary(?) unicorn friend that they can call forth to pierce their enemies with a mighty horn.”